“By not forgiving, you only build a high wall between yourself and God.
This prevents his good graces from flowing back to you, and
You become filled with such negative feelings that consumes all of you,
as well as your relationship with everyone else.”
These words were spoken by my cousin Starr Sabga during a discussion on the evils of not forgiving others. In her simple but direct manner, she was able to focus precisely on the true impact of this action on ourselves and our life situation. Like a rotting fruit which is not replaced, it begins to affect everything we do, or think, or believe or expect, causing us to undergo such fundamental changes in our ability to relate with others and more important, with ourselves. We become angry, suspicious and frustrated and quickly begin to mistrust people’s intentions. Before long we even lose sight of the original conflict as we develop an ever widening circle of “enemies” in our lives. In short we become different persons with a different outlooks.
Forgiveness is a virtue, and like Love, is among the most common words used in the Holy Bible, as for that matter, in all of the holy writings of all the religions. There are more than one hundred references to forgiveness in the Bible. Every one of them specifically and unequivocally directs us to forgive our transgressors as we are forgiven our own wrongdoings. In no instance are any conditions specified and in all instances we are expected to willingly and unconditionally forgive others. Without this condition, we cannot be expected, nor are we able to receive forgiveness for ourselves from God or man.
For as long as man has been in existence, the inability or the refusal to provide or accept forgiveness has been the cause of more suffering, turmoil and soul destruction than any other single factor in human relationship. This has been the cause of more animosity and hate among the peoples and nations of the world and has given rise to more conflicts and wars than any other factor in human behavior. The history of the world is replete with examples of unnecessary conflicts and suffering resulting from unwillingness to forgive and even to try to understand other people’s action.
Forgiveness is often described as a Primary Principle in human behavior, a state of resolution which serves to restore and maintain a balance in human response and behavior. It is a quality by which a person ceases to feel further resentment against another for a wrong committed against him. To forgive means to give up, stop resenting or pardon someone for an offense committed, and thereby restore the previous balance and trust that existed. It is impossible, both psychologically and physically, to maintain any form of equilibrium when one remains encumbered by a state of unresolved emotion. It inevitably creates internal forces which tend to induce variations in subsequent behavior with ultimate deterioration in outcome. In the end, irrespective of whether one feels justified or not, everyone loses by its continuation.
The act of forgiving another begins with the forgiving of oneself. It is impossible to forgive others of any transgression if we are not able to deal with our own internal conflicts. People involved in conflict resolution will invariably attest that before any resolution can take place the individuals must be encouraged to undergo their own self evaluation and resolve their conflicts before moving forward. This is not difficult to understand since in the great majority of cases the basic reason for the conflict itself most often results from or is exaggerated by the individual’s preconceived make-up. This gives truth to the statement that “it is not what you do, but what I think you do, that creates the difference”.
It is the very act of granting forgiveness that allows us to grow in confidence and maturity. In fact, if you think about it, it is a lot easier to remain in a negative state withholding forgiveness, blaming the other person or circumstance, than to face up to the reality that you may be responsible, if only in part, for the continuation of the status quo. It is this fundamental resistance to admit our own weakness that encourages us to hold on to resentment and hurt, and reinforces our determination against change.
In my experience over the many years of practice I have seen a development so often following a successful resolution that I am convinced that it is the rule rather than the exception. I refer to the amazing transformation which invariably occurs after a situation is successfully resolved, understanding returned and the parties have genuinely forgiven each other and themselves. The aura of relief and joy is palpable to all and the sense of peace and happiness, overwhelming. The impact is so powerful at times that I am convinced that even the heavens celebrate these moments.
If only people will realize that the act of not forgiving is a disease which inevitably destroys mind and body and that to forgive is healthy, as it is blessed. The relief that results is very intense and very personal. Yet there remain so many people who will not let go, but will continue to travel on that lonely road. They are forever prisoners of their own making even as it destroys them and their relationships. On these occasions I am always reminded of the very brief and poignant quotation, written by renowned American author and theologian Lewis B.Smedes, which speaks so eloquently on the true effect of forgiving to the forgiver:
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover the prisoner was you”.
But to me, perhaps the best advice anyone could pass on to those people suffering from the pains of “forgivelessness” are the words of the Holy Bible contained in Ephesians 4:31-32:
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And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
…..Matthew 6: 9
For if you forgive men their trespasses,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their trespasses,
neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
…..Matthew 6:14-15
Forgive us our sins,
for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
…..Luke 11: 4
When asked by an offender for forgiveness,
one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit
. . . forgiveness is natural to the seed of Israel.
…..Mishneh Torah
He who Forgives, and is reconciled unto his enemy, shall receive his reward from God.
…….Holy Koran
In the law of karma, we realize that
it is not a matter of seeking revenge
but of practicing forgiveness,
……Buddhist Teaching
Righteousness is the one highest good;
Forgiveness is the one supreme peace;
Knowledge is one supreme contentment;
Benevolence, one sole happiness.
…..Hindu Teaching
When you forgive, you in no way change the past,
but you sure do change the future.
……Bernard Meltzer
The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
…….Mohandas Gandhi
Forgive all who have offended you,
not for them, but for yourself.
…….Harriet Nelson
He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge
over which he himself must pass.
……..George Herbert
It takes a strong person to say sorry,
and an ever stronger person to forgive.
…..Author Unknown
Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.
……. H. Chapin
Without forgiveness, life is governed by
an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
……..Roberto Assagioli
To forgive is the highest,
most beautiful form of love
…….Robert Muller
To forgive is to set a prisoner free;
and discover that the prisoner was you.
….Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is not an occasional act,
It is a permanent attitude.
……Martin Luther King, Jr,
True forgiveness is when you pardon;
while you have the power to take revenge.
…Author Unknown
"If we really want to love
we must learn how to forgive"
……Mother Teresa
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