LIFE WITH KHALIL GIBRAN-A View of the Child

Foreword
In 1954 I visited Lebanon and Syria while I was attending medical school in England. Part of my itinerary included visiting the home/museum of Khalil Gibran in the beautiful village of Besharri situated just north of Tripoli at the foothills of the famous Cedars of Lebanon. I was overwhelmed by the sensitivity and depth of his work both written and artistic, and continue to be up to the present. Like many millions of people, I am particularly impressed with his publication, “The Prophet”, and have spent many happy hours reflecting on the topics of his essays.In this and in subsequent essays, I will be selecting some of the topics, reproducing his quotation and then recording my thoughts as I see and feel them. This effort is not meant to be a scholarly interpretation of his work, but merely my own views based on my own experiences and understanding.

AND a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children,

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,so He loves also the bow that is stable

In a most eloquent and dynamic way, The Prophet left no doubt as to his views on children and parent responsibilities toward them. Children are placed in our care and responsibility for a period of time, but not more. We don’t own them nor do we control them and we must not seek to make them like ourselves. Because life does not go backward, they are destined to go forward, free and independent of us and our influences, to dwell in the house of tomorrow. But it must be their house, not ours.

We must teach them and prepare them and then set them on the right road, like the archer who sets his arrow to go swift and far to find their own mark upon the path of the infinite. For in the end we rejoice with them even as they move forward into their future, but also be pleased with the parents who remained steadfast in their support to and for them.

As I see it, Children are and will always be the future and we who inhabit the present are entrusted with the sacred responsibility of preparing them for their roles, in the same way our parents and their parents had done in the past. We do so more by setting standards and by example rather than by rules and edicts, and by providing unconditional love and trust rather than suspicion and unrealistic expectation.
Unfortunately, so many of us fail to do so, allowing our ego to overwhelm our good sense and instead of providing guidance and support to facilitate growth and maturity, we tend to wrap our children in our cloak of selfish needs, measuring our own value and success by our children’s successes and failures. We seem to forget that children are separate individuals with their own identity who must be allowed to develop along their own path rather than live up to the parent’s unrealistic expectations.
Parenting without ego helps to develop healthy self-esteem in the children. Children who grow up experiencing their parent’s unconditional love and support and who feel valued for who they are, rather than what they should be, will surely approach adulthood with confidence. Since values are important for the children’s life, parents should become an origin of unlimited values to their children. And since children learn by observing, parent’s actions will deliver the clearest meanings. So the way that parents will spend their free time or even their money will mirror on their children’s character. Parents should set rules that reflect the values they believe, because then the meaning of the values will be easier to understand.
The values the children learn will be the main source for knowing what is correct from what is wrong. They will become the guide to their future life and in turn will be the source for their own attitude towards their children.
In the end, I can do no better than to repeat that wonderful quotation written by Dorothy L. Nolte, which has become a classic the world over:

“Children learn what they live;
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world."