LIFE WITH TODAY'S MOTHER

As children we would often ask our late mother, which of the seven of us is her favorite one?
She would invariably answer by reciting this old Arab proverb:

“My favorite child is:
The baby, until he grows up;
The one who is sick, until he gets better;
The one who is away, until he comes home;
The one who is worried, until he stops worrying;
And then, all my children, for as long as I live.”

Historically, a good mother was expected to devote her whole life to her family. She was the glue that held the family together, that provided loving and supporting care, and ensured the stable and consistent environment needed by the growing child. Above all else, the nurturing provided by a mother plays a vital and irreplaceable role in the growth and development of a child. She was the care-giver, the nurse, the provider, the teacher, the advisor and the protector wrapped up in a single package. She felt obligated to care for the family and put their needs before all else, willingly setting aside personal aspirations, however urgent, without hesitation. Her role was beautifully described by the following quotation taken from the pages of the Godey’s Lady’s Book, 1867, a popular 19th century publication, with which we can all identify:

"About every true mother there is a sanctity of martyrdom

-and when she is no more in the body,

her children see her with the ring of light around her head."

Over the last several decades women's roles have changed significantly and as a result certain facts related to the priority of these roles have also changed. This includes society's present vision of a woman as a multifaceted creature; one that should be able to manage professional and personal aspirations with equal success and finesse as her maternal responsibilities. In our current society many problems arise from the complex roles of the new mother, and traditional beliefs are being tested as never before. With the increasing role of the mother as a second breadwinner, the increasing breakdown of the conventional family unit, and the rising tendency to single parent household, it is becoming extremely difficult for mothers to provide everything a child needs to ensure optimum growth. Not only must they provide the care and support a child needs but they must also provide enough income for the family to live on. Even with the best intentions and increased effort this situation frequently leads to problems within the family, some of which could have a negative effect on the children and compromise growth.
It takes learning and practice to become a qualified mother. It is not an easy job because future mothers must learn by example and experience as they go. It is much better if they were raised in a caring home by a caring parent fully committed to pass it on to the child. Unfortunately in today’s setting with her increased demands, the mother is not able to spend the time and attention to the children. The result is that she is not able to truly pass on the “old fashioned” maternal skills in the way that her mother was able to do. This has led to succeeding generations of young women with less of the skills of their predecessors and less inclination to follow their examples. When this is added to the increasing demand for self sufficiency and work opportunity, it is not difficult to visualize the changing image of modern motherhood, with increasing use of adjunct help like nurseries, pre-school and babysitters to augment the mother’s role.
I make no excuse in lamenting the progressive demise of the full time, stay-at-home mother with all the irreplaceable advantages it carries for the successful care, support and growth of the family. Equally, I do not deny that even in this modern day of the multifaceted mother, there are many instances of exceptional work done by many mothers whose children have become wonderful examples of caring mothers. The difference is that it is so much more difficult to ensure optimum results with the latter’s approach.
In the end, no one will deny the unique and special place held by the mother in every society and in every family unit, one that must never be compromised for any reason or excuse whatsoever. I can do no better than to repeat the words of Washington Irving, the great 19th century American author and historian, in his own sensitive and special way describing his view of a Mother:

“A Mother is the truest friend we have.
When trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us,
When adversity takes the place of prosperity,
When friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine
But desert us when troubles thicken around us,
Still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts
and counsels, to dissipate the clouds of darkness,
and cause peace to return to our hearts.”


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The hand that rocks the cradle;

is the hand that rules the world.

…….W. R. Wallace

God could not be everywhere,

and therefore he made mothers.

……Rudyard Kipling

All that I am or ever hope to be,

I owe to my Angel Mother.

………Abraham Lincoln

No gift to your Mother can ever equal her gift to you;

- - - Life

……..Author Unknown

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all little children

……..William Makepeace Thakeray

If I had a single flower for every time

I think about my Mother,

I could walk forever in my garden.

……..Claudia Gandhi

LIVING WITH DEATH AND DYING

“Everybody is born with an expiry date.”

This statement was made many years ago by a friend Carlito Alexander, now deceased, after he was diagnosed with cancer of the Lung. It has forever impressed me by its profound simplicity and truth. In just a few simple words he succeeded to confirm a fact that appears to be increasingly questioned and challenged by the modern world.
Since the beginning of time, the status of death and dying has held a predominant position in man’s thinking. In primitive societies, where religion and culture were closely inter- related, death was tied to life in a cyclical way. Death, like the seasonal and agricultural cycles, was necessary in order to lead to rebirth or resurrection in one form or another. Primitive rituals reflected this belief universally, as people accepted the inevitability of death as part of the cycle of human life.
The Native Americans for example, view life and death as parts of a circular movement, wherein the process merely represents a transformation and not finality, and after death the spirit continues to live on. Buddhists always celebrate death. For even though dying means losing someone close in this world, they believe that only through death, can they be one step closer to Nirvana, the perfect state of mind.
In Western cultures, the attitudes of Society towards death have been changing over time. As the main influencer, Society has a huge impact on people’s perception of death. So also is the influence of the various religious groups, which both affects and determines people’s attitudes within the dominant culture. Fear of the unknown has always been one of the most common factors in our approach towards death, giving rise to profound anxiety. However, Christians are taught to view death as not to be denied or feared, but as something precious and even welcomed, for the blessings it brings with the promise of eternal life.
Unlike the past generations, the attitude towards death is being greatly modified with the increasing impact of the medical and scientific advances in diagnosis and treatment. As a consequence, the world seems to be losing the sense of death being an inevitable consequence of living. More and more, death is being regarded as something that should not happen, and should not be allowed to happen. As a result we find ourselves demanding and expecting everything be done, at all cost, to keep life going, without regard to the resulting quality or certainty of the life. In some ways these days, death is regarded as taboo and it is considered impolite to speak of its reality and its inevitability.
This situation is compounded by the increasing trend towards the widespread exposure of death in the media to children at a very early age. This has the effect of removing the “aura of the unknown”, and has led to the development of a variety of conflicting attitudes towards life and death, leading to confusing and unrealistic interpretations and expectations. The result is an increasing difficulty of acceptance and accommodation.
In the end, we must recognize that each person has his or her own view of death and attitude towards it. Although much of this is based on the prevailing society’s attitudes and beliefs, each one has to deal with the loss in one’s own way. Clearly a sudden unexpected loss, or the death of a younger person carries a greater impact than the older or terminally ill person. Children are generally much more accepting because they do not understand the meaning of finality and expect the loss to be corrected in some way. But in the end, there is no easy position except the fact is that death is as certain and inevitable as any other cycle of nature.
For my own self, as a practicing Physician for more than 50 years, having encountered and dealt with a wide range of attitudes, responses and reactions to the anticipation and reality of death of my patients and their families, I still find it difficult to predict or influence other people’s attitudes. To me death is merely a stop on the journey of life. More important is the quality of life you lead. For I firmly believe that a person who has lived a full and fulfilling life has no reason to fear death. There is a purpose, as I have stated previously in describing my concept of "life" and contained in the following statement:
“To me, life is not a random series of transient, overlapping, unrelated

experiences, destined to be consigned to oblivion upon completion.
I believe instead, life is a precious expression of a greater plan in which
our time spent on earth is but a short segment of a journey
which began in eternity and will continue to eternity”.

I believe that part of our living must of necessity involve our preparation for dying. In our early years while we are consumed with life, vitality and achieving our dreams this will occupy a very minor portion, but as we grow older we should avoid the natural urge to ignore this likelihood. I am always bothered by those who avoid or are afraid to deal with the subject or spend all their time and effort trying to ”beat it”. By doing this, you end up cheating yourself of the reality and the opportunity of peaceful acceptance. Rather like the analogy of the “half-full/half-empty glass”. The person who thinks of his life as half-empty is destined to spend all his days in constant search without fulfillment, even to the end. While the other who views his life as half-full will continue to enjoy his life as he consumes the rest to the end.

In this context, I am always reminded of that beautiful letter written by the Rev. Henry Scott Holland, the 19th century English clergyman, in regard to his own impending death, and sent to all his friends and family after he died, under the caption, "All is Well":“To my beloved family and friends,

In this context, I am always reminded of that beautiful letter written by the Rev. Henry Scott Holland, the 19th century English clergyman, in regard to his own impending death, and sent to all his friends and family after he died, under the caption"All is Well":
To my beloved family and friends,
Death is nothing at all. I’ve only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar names. Speak to me in the same easy way which you always used to. Put no difference in your tone. Wear no air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laugh at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. Let my name ever be the household name it ever was. Let it be spoken without effect, without a ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you an interval, somewhere very close, just around the corner. All is well!

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Oh Death where is thy sting; Oh grave where is your victory?

……1Corinthians 55

There is a dignity in dying that doctors should not dare to deny.

……..Author Unknown

For death begins with Life’s first breath,
And Life begins at the touch of death.
……John Oxenham

Life is not lost by dying;
Life is lost minute by minute,
Day by dragging day,
In all the thousand small uncaring ways.
..….. Stephen Benet

The art of living well and the art of dying well are one.

…….Epicurus

If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.
……..Lao Tzu

Do not seek death. Death will find you.But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
…….. Dag Hammarskjöld

If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master.

……..Michelangelo

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

......Cherokee Proverb

Life is a great sunrise.

I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.

……Vladimir Nobokov

Death is not extinguishing the light;

It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

……..Rabindranath Tagore

LIFE WITH KHALIL GIBRAN-A View of the Child

Foreword
In 1954 I visited Lebanon and Syria while I was attending medical school in England. Part of my itinerary included visiting the home/museum of Khalil Gibran in the beautiful village of Besharri situated just north of Tripoli at the foothills of the famous Cedars of Lebanon. I was overwhelmed by the sensitivity and depth of his work both written and artistic, and continue to be up to the present. Like many millions of people, I am particularly impressed with his publication, “The Prophet”, and have spent many happy hours reflecting on the topics of his essays.In this and in subsequent essays, I will be selecting some of the topics, reproducing his quotation and then recording my thoughts as I see and feel them. This effort is not meant to be a scholarly interpretation of his work, but merely my own views based on my own experiences and understanding.

AND a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children,

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,so He loves also the bow that is stable

In a most eloquent and dynamic way, The Prophet left no doubt as to his views on children and parent responsibilities toward them. Children are placed in our care and responsibility for a period of time, but not more. We don’t own them nor do we control them and we must not seek to make them like ourselves. Because life does not go backward, they are destined to go forward, free and independent of us and our influences, to dwell in the house of tomorrow. But it must be their house, not ours.

We must teach them and prepare them and then set them on the right road, like the archer who sets his arrow to go swift and far to find their own mark upon the path of the infinite. For in the end we rejoice with them even as they move forward into their future, but also be pleased with the parents who remained steadfast in their support to and for them.

As I see it, Children are and will always be the future and we who inhabit the present are entrusted with the sacred responsibility of preparing them for their roles, in the same way our parents and their parents had done in the past. We do so more by setting standards and by example rather than by rules and edicts, and by providing unconditional love and trust rather than suspicion and unrealistic expectation.
Unfortunately, so many of us fail to do so, allowing our ego to overwhelm our good sense and instead of providing guidance and support to facilitate growth and maturity, we tend to wrap our children in our cloak of selfish needs, measuring our own value and success by our children’s successes and failures. We seem to forget that children are separate individuals with their own identity who must be allowed to develop along their own path rather than live up to the parent’s unrealistic expectations.
Parenting without ego helps to develop healthy self-esteem in the children. Children who grow up experiencing their parent’s unconditional love and support and who feel valued for who they are, rather than what they should be, will surely approach adulthood with confidence. Since values are important for the children’s life, parents should become an origin of unlimited values to their children. And since children learn by observing, parent’s actions will deliver the clearest meanings. So the way that parents will spend their free time or even their money will mirror on their children’s character. Parents should set rules that reflect the values they believe, because then the meaning of the values will be easier to understand.
The values the children learn will be the main source for knowing what is correct from what is wrong. They will become the guide to their future life and in turn will be the source for their own attitude towards their children.
In the end, I can do no better than to repeat that wonderful quotation written by Dorothy L. Nolte, which has become a classic the world over:

“Children learn what they live;
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world."